Halloween Dream

The truth of Halloween is
I want to live.
I don't want to remember you
I'd like you to remind me.

When you wake up cold and pale,
You tell me your dream
And that’s why I feel better.
If you're dreaming, you're still here.

Before, you were grumpy, you
Still had some kick.
Now you are cheerful but
So tired.
I wish you would snap at me and
Show some spark.

Our ancestors visit us, they say,
On All Hallow's Eve.
I'm glad to see them.
Then, they depart, back to the other side.

Stay here, on this side, with me,
Because I could not hold my heart together.

That fearsome future lives behind a blank place in my vision.

The children say it's the best day with
Bright Spider Man costumes and candy favors.
They do not know the truth of Halloween,
As they should not.

The truth of Halloween is
I want you to live.

Radiation treatment

I went in today for a routine bloodtest before the body scan which will be wednesday and thursday. The doctor pulled me aside to tell me to be prepared for the radio iodine treatment after all. "The margins were clean" meaning they'd gotten the tumor out, but the pathology report which only came back recently, indicated some stray cancer cells in the soft tissue in my throat nearby. "Any physician would feel the radio iodine treatment is needed", she said. So I guess I'm going to have it after all.

The kids will have to be away from me for about 4 days and we're still trying to work out the details of where they'll go and how. Anyone who comes in contact with me closer than 3 feet will be at risk for radiation exposure and could have their own thyroid compromised as a result. Getting the kids to stay that far back is nearly impossible, so the best thing to do is to move them out.

I must say I was really looking forward to going back to life as "normal" and am not happy that I'll have to be isolated and sick with radiation poisoning. I think to myself, "What kind of rational person would intentionally take something poisonous into their body?" I guess a person with no other good choice, is the answer.

I think back often to the scene in the "Princess Bride" where the giant is told he has to kill the man in black (really the hero in disguise). "How do I do it?", he asks the mastermind.

"Do it YOUR way?" is the answer.

"What's my way?"

"You know, hide behind a tree and when he walks by, hit him over the head with a rock."

"My way is not very sportsmanlike", says the giant. I guess "my way" is not very sportsmanlike either!

Darcy

Feeling pretty good, all things considered...

I'm six days in to being off of any thyroid medication, and actually feeling better than I thought I would. I seem to have short bursts of energy, followed by the need for a nice, long nap. Luckily my mother in law is here to help out with taking care of the kids, so even that is not really a problem. I have a sense that when this is all over I will feel better and stronger than I have in a long time. The cancer was really sucking energy away from me, and now that the tumor is gone, I have a bit more of it - if thrown off by my current hypo state. I feel really cold at times and really hot at times (thyroid regulates body temp). I feel quite anxious a lot of the time and it's easy to get worked up into a froth over things that don't matter and to obsess about them. I know that this is also physiological too. I could swear I was having a heart attack two days ago when my heart started to beat fast, I couldn't catch my breath, I got chest pains and my left arm started to tingle. I thought, what a coincidence, first the thyroid cancer, now a heart attack! It was anxiety though, brought on by stress.

The very hardest part, and the thing I would never have guessed in a million years, is that a couple of friends I really thought I could count on, have taken this badly. I guess that sometimes when a person hears that "C" word, they freak out in their own unique and crazy way. I don't think I have ever had such mean things said and done to me - and I survived Jr High school too! I am trying not to let this get me down, and trying not to talk about it non-stop to Bruce. He has been so understanding and supportive, as have all of you. This experience has taught me how much my children mean to me, how much I want to be around to see them grow, and to focus on what's really important; not a few crazy-makers. It really hurts, sometimes but I suppose sometimes it hurts to grow.

One funny thing is that some scattered, forgetful person seems to keep putting my things where they don't belong. She leaves things half done and often messed-up. Occasionally I'll say something to Bruce that he tells me I said only a moment ago. I guess memory is affected by this too ;) Tonight though, Rowan told me that I am the best mom in the whole world, and I will remember that always. (and remind him of it when he's a teenager) I guess memory is affected by this too. Oh yeah, and memory.

Love to you all,
Darcy

New Location, Same Old Blog

We moved our blog off of blogspot, as you may have noticed. It's not all the way moved, so bear with us while we clean up after our move. We decided it was worth keeping it on our own servers, so we can back it up more easily. Also, blogspot is blocked by my firewall at work (as I imagine it might be for others as well) so moving it here makes it more available for WAB'ing. (WAB of course is short for "Work Avoidance Behavior").

I also just completed work on a website for my friend James Nash. I did all the website design and code - check it out at http://www.coyotejames.com/.

New Children's Book

HI Everyone,

A book I recently illustrated has just been published. It's called "Not All Girls Have Hair" and it's about a little girl who's afraid to go to school, as her hair has fallen out due to cancer treatments. The irony is that I finished this project just prior to being diagnosed with cancer, myself. It was a great experience, and is such a sweet little book. The author has been a volunteer with the "Make a Wish Foundation" for almost 20 years. She made the book to help classmates of "Make A Wish" kids understand that kids with cancer may look different, but underneath are just regular kids. I don't want to spoil the ending, but it involves a fun scene where the teachers have shaved their heads! Here's a link: http://www.lulu.com/browse/preview.php?fCID=395828.

- Darcy

Thanks Joan!

Joan came by to see her girl and help out last week, and I must say, I've never seen one person do that much laundry! It was a great help to have her around the house. Now, if we could only stop wearing clothes, I think we'll be able to keep ahead of the situation.

While she was here, the girls went out to a local tea shop called "Aprille's Showers". Very posh. This photo was taken there by the proprietor, I can only assume. I say I assume because I wasn't there. But I hear it was very nice. The guys stayed back, guarding Amelia, who slept through the entire event.

We are so blessed to have such a supportive family during this difficult time. Darcy is doing quite well still. I'm on a business trip for a couple of days this week, in Denver, CO, for those of you who are tracking my every move on your digital personal assistants. Mariana's helping out at home in the afternoons while I'm out.

When Lilies Bloom

My latest song shows that, at least for me, you can still get excited about your birthday, even if you are over 40. It's an Mp3 - You know the deal by now, right? (6.3 meg)

Darcy Update

Darcy's doing very well after her surgery. She's up and around, singing, talking, doing everything just like she could before. Of course, she tires a bit more easily, but she's stronger every day. Her neck is healing very well, and I think no-one will be the wiser, come a year from now. So all's good on that front.

We do have some more hoops to jump through tho. On October 18, she has to go off her thyroid replacement hormones, and two weeks later, on the 30th, she goes in for a two day "full body scan". The scan will indicate if they got it all. If they didn't, we're in for even more fun. Then we would do the radioactive iodine. We are confident the scan will be clear, but it's best to be absolutely sure.

Two weeks off of thyroid replacement is no picnic, we're told. The thyroid controls metabolism. Without it, the system goes into low gear, fatigue, cold, etc - hypothyroid it's called. I think it will be difficult for all of us, most of all for Darcy. Nevertheless, I am very hopeful that will be the extent of the difficulties. Then, it's on with our lives, eh? It will make for one extra spooky halloween, tho.